Out of the blue she asked me, “Are you going to be around for very much longer?” We were in the car when she said it, but I can’t drive and deal with emotional turmoil all at the same time. I pulled over. “Do you want me to go?” I asked. “I’ve thought about it, and the answer is no, I don’t.” “Why are we so miserable, though?” “I dunno. I’m always so tired. There are never enough hours in the day. Or maybe I don’t have enough hormones, or something.” “Why can’t we take time out? Just for each other?” “You know what my job is like. It’s full on, one slip and you’re dead.” “Sometimes I wish I were dead.” This was hard, I was on the verge of tears and couldn’t think straight. There seemed to be no way out. I said “You don’t want to be touched anymore.” “Yes I do. I miss being. ?Well, I wasn’t going to put it like that,? I said, manner that of the noble stoic bearing up under gross injustice. ?But, you do have to admit, you’ve been a bit rough on me lately.??I know,? she agreed. ?I couldn’t understand why you stayed myself – at first, anyway.?This was more like it, I thought; these first signs of what I took to be contrition for her behaviour sparking some optimism in me; making me believe her statement about having cheated was no more than a way of getting my attention.?I mean,? she went on; ?why would a man take what I’ve been dishing out to you and still stay???Because he loves you, perhaps?? I offered.My lie not about to be bought.?Oh, Martin,? she said, shaking her head sadly, ?if I’m going to let you stay you’re going to have to start telling me the truth.??Let me stay?? I protested. ?But?? A finger placed against my lips quietened me.?No ‘Buts’ from now on, Martin,? she said. ?And no more lies either. We both know why you stay and take whatever I.
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